I'm psychologically hungover from yesterday.
I'm drowning into boredom. It's the kickback of awesome nights. It's hard to dial it back, reverting to average days. It even makes it harder to write. The words do not seem to have any impact, let alone any meaning. It's like bad drugs. Well, at least I guess it's like bad drugs.
But I can't help searching my mind for quality dope. I want to be high on life constantly, I want to overdose, to feel it. I don't want to feel numb anymore, I am fed up feeling like a character on the walking dead.
I don't even know if I'm talking about a zombie or a human fearing everything and everyone.
Somehow I think I've reached the bottom of the problem. I built, I destroyed, I rebuilt; only to start searching the ruins for reasons, for what the new architecture was lacking. I opened sesame, but I don't understand what's inside. I don't fathom it. The blueprints to break free are gibberish to me. I can't speak in tongues. I just wander around in a mind that feels old and overly worn out. Someone please inject something stronger in this syringe, help me stop cutting life with random bullshit. Let the message in the bottle reach the part of my brain that is still locked up, and doesn't see anything but the despair I used to be in. Let it understand that this is over and everything is fine now, but in order for me to function correctly and to stop myself from throwing a wrench into plans, it gotta set fire to everything and everyone. This is the lesser of two evils. I want total control, I am willing to forget these barriers. Barriers I created with my bare brain and heart. But I made them too strong.
I can't break out.
The blueprints are written in a dialect I unlearned. And nobody speaks it anymore.
Except for her. And I need her to stay as far away from my life as possible.
Let me go back to when I knew what I was hiding. Let me tell him this is a mistake. This castle of glass is made of concrete. You won't be able to get out.
But here is the catch: eventually, you will long for the world.
I rebuilt what was around but I did not take a second look outside. I made peace with everything, I want to see the outside world again. I am free from the dubious promises and childish illusions. She won't come back.
That's fine, I don't want her to.
I don't need her to.
Where the fuck is the key dude? You were far too strong at hide and seek. I ain't got time to waste running around anymore. Enough with the Disney nonsense, I'm fine with Happy Tree Friends.
That's gotta be the first time ever a solution does not arise from the top of my head. That's frustrating. Have I gone too far to come back? Champagne problems are nice, the only problem is I don't really like Champagne.
Maybe the problem is, the trouble has been building up over the course of all these years and all these bitches. I'm breaking bad, I'm seeing red, and I'm cursing nearly all of you. I know I should not have aimed for Major League. But now because of y'all I am not even able to play for the Pee-wee team anymore. I'm too old for that. My skill set is irrelevant. Time down the gutter.
I unwillingly glued my heart back together. It just does not work that way. But the glue holds, and it will never give in. I got caught in a catch 22. I feel like somehow, the little bitch I was outplayed me.
Shit.
Sometimes I just want to get on a train to somewhere else, to the unknown.
Allow me to see stars like I used to.
So wake me up from this awesome dream please.
I want real life.
Let me feel something again.
Show me all of it is worth more than just my golden prison cell.
So I get to reach a place beyond square one.
