I ain't about to ring the bell

So after all that, I'm supposed to fall back in is what you mean?

That's just pure delusion.

Years went by, and in the meantime I grew up, I added chips on my shoulders, and I kept falling, falling, and falling again. You were the one who tackled first.
You were the first opponent I couldn't beat.

Wait a minute... that's actually not true.

We did not even play together.

You played me.

And now you want to play the same game again, with the same rules.

There is but one difference though:

I'm not stepping onto the ring.

I don't get you point. I don't see why I would be willing to play a game where everyone loses in the end. That's totally irrational. 

You want to hurt and to be hurt, that's fine by me. But I don't want to be either the quarterback or the receiver.

I am not your toy anymore.

And I don't love you no more.

What did you expect, for real? After all these years?

I lived through worse than you, far worse. I was loved more than you could ever have loved me. Far more. I loved so much more than I was loving you.

The only thing special about you is that you came up first.
And I was totally pristine back then.

Well congratulations, you fucked me up good. I'll give you that.

But even when it comes to that, you're not the record-holder.

I lost too much, one too many times in those games. Be it being the puppet-master or the marionette. There is no winning, just mutual destruction. And I don't see how it could do either of us any good.

At least, I know for a fact that it would not do me any good. 

This was selfish of you to demand I get dragged into your battlefield again. It is not mine. I am not a pawn anymore. I am not a fucking doll you might torture at will.

Hurting people is not the solution to protect oneself.

It's even less of a solution to heal.
You gotta find another way. You gotta find your way. Whatever helps you get outta here, but you can't keep on playing dirty.

Because it maybe was not what caused the pain in you in the first place

But it is what's been nurturing it so far, and will continue to until you decide to stop.

This is advice. It is advice because I've been there. I've been deep into the ground hole, crying for help only to hear my echo respond; my eyes unable to compute light anymore. I came to similar conclusions, that anger, anguish and pain would be perfect weapons. And I started using them.

But not against myself.
You gotta use it as a strength, turn it into something good. Goodness emanating from evil, this was my out-of-the-box solution, and to this day it still fuels me. And as long as I can control it, I make good things happen.

You can't stay seated waiting for it to disappear. Because it won't. Not by itself. Either you can use it, or you get rid of it. But you can't keep on tinkering with this hazard if you're hurting yourself. And others.

I told you, there are ways out. Ways you can find, on your own, while being shielded by the people around you. You also have crutches, you just gotta trust them.

But I am not the one who will solve your problems.

I can't drag you out of your despair. Because it is not my job. I can't see through this darkness. I don't know you enough. I don't know you enough anymore. We are strangers.

Because the boy you knew ain't here no more.

He bequeathed me the head memories, but I didn't inherit the heart memories. I know what it was like. I don't feel it.

I am not your savior. Never will be.

Because after you were gone,

I had to look ahead.

And now I'm not interested in turning back.

I am not in love with you anymore. Life happened, Emma happened, strength happened.

I dealt with it.

Now I know how hard it is to go through this alone in your head. And I will be here if need be to unfuck it up a notch. But I can't play the role of the hero. Because first things first, I was not cast for it.

And I never wanted to.

But what bothers me in the end is the way you came back. Pushing, shoving, so that I would crack. Let it be clear: I won't crack. You say you're strong, well you might be on your way, but not quite there yet. And I won't be the one to snap your crutches and make you collapse a second time. Because I'm not looking for vengeance. So why would you? I never did you any wrong. I don't deserve to be bullied. But more than that, I don't like being bullied. I am not a pushover anymore.

I felt attacked, I felt like someone was trying to break me. You were trying to break me, for your sheer enjoyment. I don't break. I have people depending on me now. I'm not 16 anymore. I do not budge. I do not give in. I do not give up. This was an aggression towards who I am, but also towards the people I stand for. This was an aggression towards the hard work I put, the strides I took in order to do something with my life, to stand back up every time. It was an aggression towards me.

I'll let it slide this time, but be warned.

I do not normally let the people who attack me get off so easy.

I'm making an exception. Not because of any feelings that will never be rekindled or out of some manifestation of pity. I'm making an exception because I've been there, and I know sometimes it gets tough. But I never attacked anyone when I was down.

So I don't expect to be attacked by people who are.

I don't take anything from anyone.

So never take anything away from me.
Never try to draw first blood again.

Ever.

Because keep in mind that I never forget
But I also never forgive.

Don't forget that you came back, so that means that you are in MY house. And you'll have to abide the rules. I'm not gonna play games, these are just rules that will allow both of us to win this time, for a change.

And I'm not giving you a choice here.

If you agree, then fine.

Otherwise

You can see yourself out.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8aQz-aKvyQU

Hitler's murder paradox

I'm psychologically hungover from yesterday.

I'm drowning into boredom. It's the kickback of awesome nights. It's hard to dial it back, reverting to average days. It even makes it harder to write. The words do not seem to have any impact, let alone any meaning. It's like bad drugs. Well, at least I guess it's like bad drugs.
But I can't help searching my mind for quality dope. I want to be high on life constantly, I want to overdose, to feel it. I don't want to feel numb anymore, I am fed up feeling like a character on the walking dead.
I don't even know if I'm talking about a zombie or a human fearing everything and everyone.
Somehow I think I've reached the bottom of the problem. I built, I destroyed, I rebuilt; only to start searching the ruins for reasons, for what the new architecture was lacking. I opened sesame, but I don't understand what's inside. I don't fathom it. The blueprints to break free are gibberish to me. I can't speak in tongues. I just wander around in a mind that feels old and overly worn out. Someone please inject something stronger in this syringe, help me stop cutting life with random bullshit. Let the message in the bottle reach the part of my brain that is still locked up, and doesn't see anything but the despair I used to be in. Let it understand that this is over and everything is fine now, but in order for me to function correctly and to stop myself from throwing a wrench into plans, it gotta set fire to everything and everyone. This is the lesser of two evils. I want total control, I am willing to forget these barriers. Barriers I created with my bare brain and heart. But I made them too strong.
I can't break out.
The blueprints are written in a dialect I unlearned. And nobody speaks it anymore.
Except for her. And I need her to stay as far away from my life as possible.
Let me go back to when I knew what I was hiding. Let me tell him this is a mistake. This castle of glass is made of concrete. You won't be able to get out.
But here is the catch: eventually, you will long for the world.

I rebuilt what was around but I did not take a second look outside. I made peace with everything, I want to see the outside world again. I am free from the dubious promises and childish illusions. She won't come back.
That's fine, I don't want her to.
I don't need her to.

Where the fuck is the key dude? You were far too strong at hide and seek. I ain't got time to waste running around anymore. Enough with the Disney nonsense, I'm fine with Happy Tree Friends.

That's gotta be the first time ever a solution does not arise from the top of my head. That's frustrating. Have I gone too far to come back? Champagne problems are nice, the only problem is I don't really like Champagne.

Maybe the problem is, the trouble has been building up over the course of all these years and all these bitches. I'm breaking bad, I'm seeing red, and I'm cursing nearly all of you. I know I should not have aimed for Major League. But now because of y'all I am not even able to play for the Pee-wee team anymore. I'm too old for that. My skill set is irrelevant. Time down the gutter.

I unwillingly glued my heart back together. It just does not work that way. But the glue holds, and it will never give in. I got caught in a catch 22. I feel like somehow, the little bitch I was outplayed me.
Shit.

Sometimes I just want to get on a train to somewhere else, to the unknown.
Allow me to see stars like I used to.

So wake me up from this awesome dream please.
I want real life.
Let me feel something again.

Show me all of it is worth more than just my golden prison cell.

So I get to reach a place beyond square one.

I have manners, doesn't mean I give a fu*k about being polite

And here I am.

After a year which has been an overall success. I fucking aced my TOEFL while I was being sick, I didn't do shit all year and still got to pass the exams successfully. I earned my spot at U of T. Fair and square.
And here I am, having yet to say goodbye to a bunch of people. Relationships evolve, it's a fact. Some people, I barely talk to them anymore. Some I had never been this close with.

Arguably, the quietest year of life. All the potential stories were like, sedated, in order to not be a pain in my ass. I remained focused. Lol, just kidding. I just succeeded in everything without giving a shit. I feel a bit like an asshole for that. Well, nevermind, there's no need to be ashamed; the others just had to work their butts off  harder if they're not satisfied. I am.

I think this year has been the best year of my life so far, and I know it's not half as good as next year's gonna be.

I haven't come to grip with things yet. I mean, I don't know why I keep trying to postpone realization. Because, fuck yeah, I fulfilled my dream.

And I am not in love anymore. Hell, she better not come back to me, or I'd spit on her face. Like, literally. I mean, come on; getting rid of me in order to date a smurf? Get your shit together gal. But well, blame it on the age I guess. Teenagers are stupid. You're even more.
And I miss you from time to time. I mean, seldom; but still.

I haven 't yet wrapped my head around the idea that I'll be gone because I still have to accept that you are.

I don't miss YOU, in fact

I miss having someone.

It's like, I'm still broken and shit, it'll take time and shit, I know the drill; but darn; I ish I could have someone. It's selfish, coz I ain't willing to love or be loved. But I'd like to have someone by my side because, man, it's the only thing. With it, my life 'd be nothing short of a home run.

And also, she 'd be a tad hotter than you and you'd feel sad whenever seing her facebook page.

But I can tell you bitch, You'll get served at some point.

Well, that's it I guess? I am going, I hate you; and I'll have to accept both in the near future.

But for the time being
Im just madly craving to find some friends with benefits

It must be my toothbrush fault for my having bad teeth

I guess I have a point right over there.

I don't really know when I started to feel fear again. Was it the first day of school? Was it when I failed some exercises in a row? Was it when she hung up?
I don't know if it's a good or bad thing; but hell, I'm afraid.
Because success would mean departure. Leaving the people I've long loved, leaving the people I've just started to love, leaving many things. And, do I really want to?
Hell, yeah; it's a dream. It IS what had me stand up and kick my own ass off last summer when I was lost; it's a goal, the only goal I have now. But yeah, right, I'm afraid. Because if I fail; it would mean everything I have done the past few weeks wasn't worth anything. But what is gonna hurt most is the day I will learn I have succeeded. I'll be happy, like never before; but I will immediatly see the clock appear, saying that there's not much time left with them.

I don't know why, I guess the circumstances helped; I found people I really love here.
And I'm afraid to lose them overnight.
In fact, when you look at it closely.

I'm just afraid to lose them the way I lost you.

U mad bro?

In order to diversify the writing process a little, I thought it'd be better to kick off with the end of the message.
In fact, not at all, it's just stupid, but let's do this anyway, cuz dat's what I am.

I've fucked it up.

Voilà.

__________________________________________________________

Is it true? Has it really been 6 months already? I mean, today's the "half anniversary" right? Shit, what's up with that. I still don't know much more, I've still got the same questions. But I'm not exhausting myself trying to answer them. F*ck dem.

This morning was the very first one, in this long six month time, that I didn't think of you. I woke up; you weren't there. It doesn't mean Rex and pas didn't get their " good morning " kisses; but, may it be a sign that
I'm starting to heal?

I still feel the hole in my heart, it still stings when I say your name or talk about you, but it seems the remaining parts of the corpse have started to beat again. And lately, I can feel the flow of feelings, happiness and boring stuff like that. Like, dude, that's quite good. I have to admit I'm not over it yet; but I'm well through the aftermath already. And I can foolishly say, as the very cocky kid I am; we've been doing hell of a job.

The only problem might be the unclear reasons of "why is it going way - insert best word on your own, you lazy ass - all of a sudden?". Because it's thanks to someone; and it means a lot to me; whereas I don't think the person foresees the way I'm going to follow now.
And I'm quite afraid to hit this peculiar road.

That's gonna be a long year man; and I'd better take care because if I don't; I'll once again be able to say that

- Insert the f*cking start here -

Dad

Today started in a pretty bad way. To sum it up, I managed in a few hours to become deaf with my left-hear,   to break a tupperware, and I almost burnt myself. All this after forgetting to turn the alarm off, and so waking up at 7 a.m. . These days when you know you'd be better off going back to bed.
Finally I didn't do anything good or productive.
Then dad came back home, and said he had been chosen for the job he wanted to do. He was so happy, so relieved, that's good. I have a hard time showing my feelings now, since you left me Emma I don't manage to feel such things as happiness.

But still if one day you read this,
I'm proud of you dad.

Finally, that might not be such a bad day.

You know, I've just looked at my phone, and realised I missed receiving messages from you.
I miss you so much Emma.
I can't help but hope I'll one day receive a message from the number that holds the top place in the most used in my phone.
And by far.

I still love you Emma.
And today even more than when we were together.
I love you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pIBdAdnTqqo&noredirect=1

Crash

I still have a hard time figuring out you're not going to come back.

There are days I feel quite good, because unconsciously I think you will eventually come back to me.
But you won't.

And when I finally manage to hear it, I feel the hole deep inside and the associated pain. I feel the frustration to not have been able to make proper farewell. Fuck, you never have any second chance for farewell you know, when the other is gone, he's gone. I would have liked to at least be allowed to tell you the things I feel.  The time you had nearly left me, a few months ago; I had faced you and had been able to tell you everything. This time, I will never have the chance to express my farewell correctly.
And I will bear an hefty grudge against myself for that, all my life.

Everyday I cry. I cry because I miss you, because I'm left here without a clue of what's ahead. Because I know I won't know this feeling again.

I wish I could hate you, this way it would be a lot easier. But I just can't, because I love you and I'm bound to respect your choices.
Even when they hurt like shit.

I'm left here, unable to watch movies I saw with you. Movies you certainly don't even remember we watched together. But things have meaning to me. The tinier it was, the bigger the impact. And thus, I hardly have time to rest, since you haunt my mind at least 90% of the time.
At day.

The worst part that remains is the night.
I'm now used to dreaming of you, of realities where I am happier or at least, you are.
The point is, when I am sleeping, who is cast in the dream is not me. It's the me of 1 month ago. The me who took the whole thing in his fucking face, unable to do anything. Today, I can face it, because I have much enough hatred and pain inside to help me fight back.
Yes, it might be the proper use of this expression. To fight back.
Even though I'm not fighting with anything.
The hatred I bear against myself is much more powerful than I am, and while I can't handle the situation, I can handle the hatred now, and live with it. My old self could not.
So at night, he can't do anything at all. And when I wake up alone, in this room whose walls were painted by  everybody but you, there is a bitter taste in my throat. And I can feel the hole in my stomach telling me " You had it coming, eat it ".

So I do.

That's true, I'm just standing relying on the most powerful thing I'm left with; aka my anger and rage.
You would hardly recognise me If you were to see me now; but what can I say?
My feelings for you haven't changed an inch.
But my personnality had to in order not to collapse on itself.

Yes, you're gone, and today I don't manage to figure it out by myself. This is just gonna make the night more difficult.
I spend my day focusing on an internal struggle I can't win.
But that I have to fight.

I have to fight back.
Against myself

You're gone and I would like to believe, as I sometimes let my mind wander and think of it, by weakness, that you'll one day come back and be happy with me.
But you won't, that's the reality I'm in.
You won't ever come back, and I'll have to live with this wound which opens anew each time something reminds me of us.

Because us is no longer a reliable pronoun.
But what hurts the most is that very deep inside, in my heart, and even though you didn't want to say it.
You know too.

It's never gonna be again.