Drunk

Yes, tonight, I was drunk.

Yes I drank, because I wanted to know how alcohol would taste now that you're gone.
And honestly.
It doesn't taste that good.

That might be because I've changed quite a lot lately, but I didn't feel any feeling of happiness, any boost for my drastically lowered amount of hopes. By the way, I just felt like my head was spinning, and that was all.

I have to admit, yes, it made me forget. Not what had happened, but it helped me fool myself and made me feel like it was not over. For 1/10th of a second, I even thought of sending you a mere texto to ask you if everything was okay. It took me a second to realise my mistake and abort the looking-for-my-mobile- phone process. Cause you're gone, and I can't do anything. According to the calendar, it's even been 1 month you're gone.

March, 13th. And it ain't got much better since then. I just feel like I've changed, and am still changing, sealing my old self inside so that he would be able to rest a little. Because in the end, when I understood I wouldn't be strong enough to be through you, there were only two lucid choices. The first one was the kind you should avoid as far as other people are concerned, ans I'm glad I didn't choose it, since I wouldn't be there to write it otherwise. The second one was to use the total amount of strenght I had with me, this tiny, ludicrous power; and , not being able to mold it into something able to overcome the ordeal, at least create someone else who could. Some say such things completely reprogram the mind. I do think so in fact. And so today, it's not easier. I've just changed, toughened.

Long story short, tonight I was waiting, because usually I used to drink when you had a party, and I was doing so to forget and hide I was anxious and worried. And after having drunk too much and being sick, I would wait for  your message, simply saying
 "Je suis rentré mon coeur, tout s'est bien passé! Tu me manques beaucoup, je t'aime! <3>

Today I miss you, but you don't miss me
 Today I still love you, but you don't anymore.
So tonight you might have a party, if so you must be having fun right now, maybe with some random guy; whatever. It's none of my business. Anymore.

I learned your mom called mine last Sunday. It's always hard to learn that people on your side still care about me, because It means I have existed. But soon, I won't be more than a memory.

While you'll never be.

I'll end this up reminding a simple conversation I had yesterday with a friend of mine. Telling I could never call you an ex, because you were so different from the others, I could just call you emma.

But you, you certainly already refer to me as an ex.

You certainly smile, you're certainly happy, maybe even meeting new guys. And I hope one will succeed where I failed.
I'll always hope you're happy, as I know I'll always love you and my promises have never sounded as true as  now.

Tonight there's not 1 hour left on the clock before tomorrow, and I will finish this paper without receiving a single message from you.

And if you ever happen to land there by some mistake I'll have you know.

It's fucking tough

And in the end, I would wake up with a serious hangover, with you making fun of me; and I would just be happy to be with you.


So tomorrow, I'll know no hangover.

Nor happiness.